Alex Reynard
The Library
Alex Reynard's Online Books
Part THIRTY-THREE
Try to imagine the most outrageously girly safari outfit you possibly can. Go on! Try! It almost certainly cannot compare to what Piffle was standing center stage wearing. Both Kaye and Kay were red-faced from tittering the entire time they'd been creating it.
Piffle struck a fashion pose. "So, Toby, mind tearin' your eyes off that TV long enough to throw a gander my way?"
The cartoonishly-impossible amounts of violence he'd just witnessed still lingered in Toby's brain, so it took some effort to push it out of the way and concentrate on making visual sense of this explosion of pinkness before him.
Strawberry milkshake was the dominant color, with occasional highlights of kitten's ear and candy fuchsia. There was a khaki-style jacket and skirt, popping with pockets and decorative ruffles. A belt. Assorted shiny buttons. Fringey shoulder epaulets. Massive waffle-stomper boots with bows on the toes. Plus a pith helmet with holes for Piffle's antennae, a jellybean-print hatband, and a clear dome up top which her ponytail poked through (and which Toby didn't remember her having before now).
This visual had done the impossible: driving Luxy's Court right out of Toby's mind. Which was good because Toby was perfectly happy blotting that massacre out, thankyouverymuch. He blinked at all the shiny fluffiness before him. "It... looks ridiculous," he said without thinking, and immediately clapped his hands over his mouth.
Piffle beamed. "Oh good! Exactly what I was going for! I figure, I'm probly only gonna get one chance to have my very own custom-made safari outfit, so why not let let loose my wildest dreams?" She let her fingers roam all over the jangly, fluffy decorations, wiggling in joy.
"It does suit you," Toby was able to say truthfully. "Seems kinda... noticeable though. Junella is going to throw a hissy fit."
Piffle nodded like she'd planned for that all along. "I'll just tell her, I'm the bait! Anytime you guys run into trouble, I'll fly out and be real distracting. 'C'mon, you big dum nightmare! Eat me up! Do all sortsa terrible stuff to me, and don't notice my friends over there who're sneaking up to bump you off!'" She giggled into her paws.
"But what if something catches you for real?"
She flexed a bicep. "I'm tuff. I can take it."
Given her fortitude in mentally recovering from the lairs of both the octospider and Dr. Dacryphilia, Toby figured she was right. "Allright. You wanna go find her 'n Zinc?"
"Yup. And you can show off your new look too. But first..." The happy hamsterfly tossed herself at both Burdocks and crushed them in a hug. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! I love everything you made for me! Even if it gets all ripped up and torn to bits on the road, I'll remember it forever and recommend you to all my friends!"
The minks were bowled over (nearly literally) by such praise and hugged her back while wishing her luck in her journey. Toby noticed Piffle's skirt had a great big magenta bow over her tail.
***
Junella and Zinc were nowhere to be found in the automotive department, but a helpful clerk told them the duo had gone downstairs to the garage. Toby wondered how the heck you could have a basement floor in a building that was resting on the spoke of a perpetually-moving wheel. The answer was not as bad as eating at The Glass Triangle, but still pretty bad.
The garage section of Rippingbean & Woofingbutter's hung below the aboveground section, dangling beneath the massive spoke like the gondola of a zeppelin. The spoke itself was so thick, RB&WB had carved out the inside for warehouse space, making the garage actually a sub-basement. When Toby and Piffle emerged from their elevator ride, Toby took one look through the ten-foot-high windows and barely kept himself from falling to his knees and hugging the floor for dear life. Standing on the 'ground' of any given Bigwheel does not give a sense of how high up the next one is. All those circling, circus-colored lights below made Toby feel like he'd eaten too much Halloween candy.
Thankfully, Junella, Zinc and the car were easy to find. The Fearsleigher was up on a hydraulic lift with several dozen more copies of the man from the auto department attending to it. George, however, was conspicuously absent.
At the rustle of Piffle's approach, Junella's head turned. Her expression stayed neutral, but her eyebrows went up.
Piffle beamed and posed for her.
"You just volunteered yourself for bait duty," the skunk said bluntly.
Piffle bounced like a ping pong ball. "Oh good! Then we're in agreement!"
Junella reached across to grab her own wrist to keep from replying. Her expression said to herself, 'Stay calm and just roll with it.'
"Hey hey, that's kooky with a capital K!" Zinc said when he saw the safari outfit.
Piffle clapped her paws and twirled. "Glad you like it! Didn't they do a swell job?"
The canine gently brushed his right wrench over her sleeve, feeling the material. "Mmm, soft." He looked over her shoulder to Toby. "Looks like you got all duded up too, kemosabe. Not what I expected you to come back wearin', but nice threads nonetheless."
Junella tilted her head at Toby's outfit. "I'm surprised you didn't choose a suit of armor," she teased.
He chuckled and ran his hands over the vest. "Armor's not so good for fleeing and cowering."
She laughed. "'Least you're honest about it."
Toby noticed a whiteboard behind them with a sketched Fearsleigher and scribbled ideas for improvements. He tried to peek past Junella and Zinc's shoulders, but they closed ranks around it, grinning.
"That's for us to know and you to find out, squirt," Junella tinkled.
"That's okay. You guys built it in the first place, I trust you know what you're doing. Where's George though?"
The skunk and mutt exchanged a glance. "Ditto."
Zinc clapped his wrenches (startling several people around them), and did the closest equivalent to rubbing his hands together in a 'let's get down to business' way. "Since we're all here now, how 'bout we make some quick plans? I'm thinking, first we go take care of the bill together. That'll still leave the cost of tweakin' the sled, but Juney 'n I can bang that out. Afterwards, someone's gotta babysit the car until it's done cookin', but until then, you two might as well go kill a few hours amusing yourselves."
Toby glanced at Piffle. She did not seem to mind at all the thought of spending a while alone with him. "Um, I'd assumed we'd all be together."
Piffle's smile drooped a little.
Toby noticed and tried to reassure her. "It's not that! Just..." He looked back to Zinc & June. "This is a huge city, and you guys are sposto be my bodyguards, and..."
Zinc nodded. "Ah. I get it. Jitters. Don't worry, Sunny Jim, this particular Bigwheel's safe as milk. Well, comparatively. Wherever high-class cats congregate, the surroundings are a little nicer, dig?"
Toby shrugged, still a bit nervous.
Junella rolled her eyes. "If you're THAT scared, we'll be right here. You can wait with us."
Toby involuntarily glanced towards the window and felt a wave of quease. "No thanks!"
"Figgered." She reached out to put a small azure scarab in Toby's pocket. "This'll beep when we're done and ready. We'll all meet back up at the hotel. You copy?" Toby nodded.
Zinc sidled up to Junella. Wincing like he was about to borrow money, he poked her shoulder. "Um, I was meaning to talk to you about that, babe. This 'we' business."
A 'What?' look.
He shuffled his feet. "I, uh, was thinkin' of going topside and takin' a stroll to Millie's place. I mean, we're in town... I don't get this opportunity very often..."
"What's Millie's place?" Piffle asked, curious if it might be somewhere she and Toby could visit too.
Picking up on that, Zinc laughed nervously. "Ha ha! Millie's is a 'who' actually. Old flame of mine. We knocked around a bit back when I lived here. Nothin' serious, but we like each other's company. Whenever I pass through, we hook up again, spend a pleasant afternoon catching up on old times and trying to destroy her bedroom." He smiled nostalgically.
Piffle got quiet. She pursed her lips.
Zinc reminisced further, oblivious to the hamster. "Oh, she's a dynamite chick. Lives in a bad neighborhood on Bigwheel 14, but she gets by." He tried to be a bit gentle to Toby's naive ears. "She's 'self-employed', you see. Selling, uh, 'goods and services'. Does a fair bit 'a business too. Not too many people stupid enough to give a hard time to a half-squirrel/half-alligator."
Toby's eyebrows went up.
Zinc grinned. "She'll scare the pants off ya at first sight, but wotta hunka woman! Only problem is," he held his hands about a foot apart, "that mouth of hers can make a man feel mighty inadequate."
Toby had no idea what he meant by that.
Junella was not exactly thrilled to be left on her own with the car while the others had fun, but she sighed like she'd fully expected this. She remembered Millie. Zinc fidgeted in place like a little boy asking his mom's permission to sleep over at a friend's house. The skunk gave him a look. "I don't own you. Get your ass outta here if you want to."
"Hot dog!" Zinc practically started panting. "Then let's scoot upstairs and get the bill over with now! My feet are on fire!" He started heading for the elevator.
Piffle said nothing, and her face was blank, but she reached over to Toby and held his hand. He wasn't sure why.
***
The garage sent a wire upstairs to the main register, where two stuffy conjoined pandas tallied everything up. Their four paws pranced about back and forth over dual keyboards. Toby, Piffle, Junella and Zinc all stood in trembling anticipation before the white marble counter, waiting to see what the total would be.
One half of the pandas held up a scanner that sent a red beam over everything piled up in their carts, plus Piffle and Toby's new clothes, plus the Fearsleigher's alterations. Zinc spoke up to mention that Toby's pouch of weaponry was from another store, thus not part of their total. This got him got twin sneers of, 'Do we look like idiots, sir?'
When all of their purchases had been combined and the final number flashed, even Piffle looked worried. Junella paled to a thin grey. Zinc, despite having dealt with a humongous bill at Dorster's, was nevertheless in disbelief at just how much he'd miscalculated their goods. 'Serves me right for doin' the math in my head.'
For this, the pandas would need The Big Willwell. They wheeled out a royal purple box the size of a refrigerator. The bill was presented in gold-lit digits above the familiar dial.
When other customers started noticing the number, some of them actually stopped shopping to come over and stare at it.
"Sorry 'bout that," Junella squeaked to Piffle.
"We might have gotten carried away," Zinc acknowledged.
"So, how much are we going to have to put back, mmm?" the pandas asked with one voice.
Piffle composed herself. She'd pledged she would do this, and by golly she was gonna do it! "None of it!" she proudly declared. Joining hands with Toby and Junella, she stared at the red line and started to shove.
To the pandas' astonishment, it actually moved.
Impressed with Piffle's resolve, Junella added her own willpower to the push. She grabbed Zinc's wrench and soon he was cramming his mental strength into the big purple box too. Toby didn't think he had any hope of contributing, but a squeeze from Piffle convinced him to try his hardest anyway.
The battle which then ensued at the main checkout of Rippingbean & Woofingbutter's was re-told for years by the shoppers that had been there to witness it (and several who hadn't). Here was a bill that, normally, only another business buying in bulk could have racked up, and four grunting, sweating, straining weirdos were trying to conquer the whole damn thing themselves. The pandas were incredulous. The other customers buzzed and hummed amongst themselves. Toby was writhing and grimacing and not having the faintest idea if he was contributing anything. Junella's glare was a laser that could have cut the moon in half. Zinc was unconsciously drooling on the floor, his focus so fixed on the willwell and nothing else.
But Piffle looked like she was ascending to a higher plane. Her ruby eyes shone with determination. Her mouth was set in a calm smile. She looked like a monk about to attain nirvana. With the help of her friends to strengthen her already-extraordinary talent, that red needle was zooming like a runaway tricycle towards its finish line. It was nowhere near as speedy as when she'd paid off the hotel bill, but it was fast enough. Droplets of sweat beaded on her forehead fur, but she felt like her internal gas tank was nowhere near empty.
By now a crowd of dozens had gathered around them. Some were clapping in rhythm. Even RB&WB themselves passed by. "Maargnishifennt!!" cried the fox.
Toby was on the verge of a migraine. Junella's hand had partially melted in Zinc's grip. Spots were dancing in front of the canine's eyes. Piffle heard nothing, saw nothing else in the world but that little red line.
And when it hit home and the big box 'ding'ed, all four of them fell over backwards. Applause burst from the crowd like fireworks.
Struggling to her feet, Junella gave the pandas a derisive grin for not believing, looked towards the willwell, and added a nickel for their tip.
***
Afterwards, the thought of sitting down for two hours sounded pretty good to Toby.
Junella checked first to make sure he still had their pager-scarab, then thanked him and Piffle both for their help. Reluctantly, she even shook Piffle's hand. This resulted in a sudden hug-pounce, which made the skunk growl a bit.
Back out on the street, Toby suggested his movie idea and Piffle said taking in a flick sounded just ducky. She shot up in the air like a bottle rocket, scouted around, then descended and happily announced there was a theater just a few blocks away. Together they braved the moving sidewalks and let the high-speed carpet whisk them to their destination.
They passed under another Luxy Sez billboard:
I'D RATHER BE SHOT IN THE GUT THAN STABBED IN THE BACK.
Toby wasn't sure he understood that one.
The Gwynplaine Bijou was trying its heart out to evoke Hollywood's golden age. Lights and ornamental architecture encrusted the place, making it look a bit like a pirate's treasure chest covered in bioluminescent barnacles. Since making movies is not exactly easy in Phobiopolis, Toby was not overwhelmed at the marquee. Just three films to choose from. One was a romantic comedy about two furs who'd been heavily cybernetically altered. Another seemed to be a slasher film for kids (Toby's brain boggled). Last was a mystery thriller set on Earth. That fascinated Toby, as he realized that, here, that would be as difficult to film as setting a story on Mars.
Piffle had been more spaced-out than normal on the glide over, and had to be snapped back to reality when Toby asked if she was okay with his choice. It was fine, she said. She dared him to handle the tickets as she tossed him a small smile and pranced towards the snacks. Put on the spot, Toby thought he did fairly well, as the volume of the grumbling patrons in line behind him wasn't too loud by the time he willed the well.
Since there were so few films available at any given time, most Phobiopolan theaters compensated by showing lots of reruns or having lots of showtimes. The Gwynplaine chose the latter, and Toby was happily surprised to find that Erased Against Time was starting in just twelve minutes. Tickets in hand, he went to find Piffle. The interior of the theater was just as bright and cluttered as the outside, making the snack bar a little difficult to locate amongst all the plastic plants and giant advertising props. Piffle's antennae and overall pinkness helped. She was loading up on popcorn and taffy. Toby decided to be bold and request a stick of bloodbacon (Zinc had gotten him curious about it). His first bite made his face constrict at how salty it was, but his mouth got used to it soon enough. Overall verdict: not terrible.
They had plenty of time to locate the theater and their seats. Toby was looking at all the weird posters and didn't notice that Piffle had gotten quiet again. Inside Theater 4 there were ushers cleaning up the mess from the last showing's patrons and empty seats in abundance. The usher's brooms were actually ravenous little amphibian-looking creatures on sticks, which would vacuum up any spilled soda, popcorn or wrappers they came across.
Piffle requested the two seats in the back directly under the projector's booth, saying that offered the best view. She got herself and her outfit squeezed in comfortably enough and piled her snacks on the seat beside her. Toby, being so twiglike, found the seats rather roomy.
They'd arrived before the previews started, so the only thing on screen now was a kaleidoscope of colored oil drops sliding around. 'Kinda nice,' Toby thought as he took small nibbles from his bloodbacon. He turned his head and noticed that Piffle looked fidgety. She kept smoothing out her skirt in front, lips set in a frown.
"Something on your mind?"
She looked up at him, then back at her lap. Then she tapped her fingertips together pensively. Her mouth kept trying to form words and she kept stopping herself.
Finally though, she let it out. "Toby, would it break your heart too terribly if I didn't love you?"
He almost wished for a mouthful of soda that he could have properly spat all over the place. "WHAAT!?"
Several ushers and patrons turned around.
Piffle jumped in alarm. "Oh NO, Toby! I didn't mean it to sound like that! I didn't mean 'not love you at all'!" She whimpered and wrung her hands together, furious with herself for upsetting him. "Oh sniff it!" she swore. "Dirty shoes!"
Toby had less than no idea what was going on. "Piffle, uh..." He put a paw on her shoulder. The ruffles crinkled.
"I'm all mixed-up, Toby. Let me start again?"
"Please do. I'm totally lost here."
She fiddled with her skirt hem some more. "It's all about Zinc, really. Y'see, I... I think..." Her cheeks were getting redder. "I think maybe I might sorta have a teensy little crush on him." She looked quickly back at Toby, as if to ask, '...If that's okay with you?'
He blinked blankly. "I guess that's not unexpected. He is sorta handsome. In an Erector set kinda way," he kidded.
A smile finally bloomed on Piffle's face and she snickered into her paws. She sighed in utter relief. "Chee Toby, I was really makin' myself worried there!"
He thought he finally got it. "That I'd be jealous?"
Vigorous nodding. "Uh-huh! See, I'd thought that since, y'know, I do like to flirt with both of you- even though I'm like that with everyone just 'cause it's fun- it occurred to me that maybe you might've thought you 'n me were an item. Since we are kind of on an adventure, and the hero usually gets the pretty girl at the end of an adventure."
He chortled. "I'm amused you think I'm the hero. Heck, I'm more like the macguffin that Junella 'n Zinc have to drag around."
Piffle wasn't sure what that term meant, but gave Toby a playful shoulder-shove. "Don't be so hard on yourself! And I hope you understand what I was worrying about."
"I think so. That I'd be assuming you and I'd end up together, and I'd be angry at finding out you like Zinc."
"I'm glad you're taking this so well. It's a big weight off my wings."
"I guess it's just not that big of a deal to me." He shrugged a little. "...Not that you're not worth being jealous over," he hastily added.
That made her smile for sure.
"It's just..." He looked down at his lap. "You are definitely adorable, let's get that straight. And you make me blush when you hug me."
She beamed gratefully, and squoze his arm.
"But to be honest, I've been too scared and worried and confused all this time to really think about romance. And since my whole goal here is to get home, maybe part of me's been subconsciously trying to keep myself from caring too much about anyone. You, Zinc and Junella, Doll, George... Because I don't want it to hurt so bad when I leave."
She nodded solemnly. "I don't blame you. That makes sense. But still, thank you. I didn't really realize it myself until just now; how I feel about Zinc, I mean. I thought he was cute 'n scruffy from the start, sure, but when I got my new duds I was eager to see what he'd say about them. And he liked them! That made me so happy! But then right away he switches to talking 'bout some other ladybird." She squeezed her popcorn tub. "I felt my heart burst like a gum bubble. Then I got real jealous. I didn't understand why I was feeling so strongly until a lightbulb popped on: 'You like him, ya Dumb Dora!'"
Toby smiled. And felt a bit of relief as well. He actually had been thinking himself that Piffle's affection might have been more than filial, and had worried that he'd be breaking her heart to admit he didn't feel the same. To be completely honest, he still wasn't fully through his 'girls give me the willies' phase. He hadn't spent much time among females (other than his mom and various medical professionals), and they were mostly an enigma to him. Pretty, but confusing. He feared making a fool of himself around them. Though oddly enough, Junella didn't elicit this feeling in him. Probably because she was such a commanding presence, anything he did around her made him feel like a fool regardless. It was at least comfortingly predictable.
He noticed Piffle was lost in her own feelings again, just as he'd been. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked.
"Um? Huh... Well, don't tell him anything for now. I wanna be sure first. Like, maybe I'm just momentarily twitterpated. Maybe he doesn't feel the same way. Maybe he has stinky burps."
"Further research necessary?"
She nodded.
"I'm okay with whatever makes you happy, Piffle," he said sincerely.
A smile as warm as melted chocolate was the response. "You're a real swell fella, you know that, Toby deLeon?"
He blushed. "Thank you. I don't often think of myself like that."
At that she just had to hug him. She set her snack down and reached across to give him a gentle squeeze, causing much rustling. Her pith helmet bonked his forehead, making them both giggle.
*****